


The Tape I Use to Hold Myself Together is Only so Strong...

by Akechisteponme



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Akechi Goro Lives, Akechi Goro Needs a Hug, Angst, Anxiety, Blades, Blood and Injury, Childhood Trauma, Cutting, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Description, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Sad Akechi Goro, Self-Harm, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:29:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26434201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akechisteponme/pseuds/Akechisteponme
Summary: **TRIGGER WARNING- SELF-HARM** MIND THE TAGS PLEASEAkechi has had a rough day at the station after overhearing a conversation about a child abuse case. He rushes home to find solace in the only thing he knows will help. Akira finds him alone in the bathroom, struggling to hold onto himself and comforts him about his past.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 2
Kudos: 79





	The Tape I Use to Hold Myself Together is Only so Strong...

**Author's Note:**

> Very angsty but fluffy as well. Graphic description of self-harm and self-harming behavior

The key to his apartment goes into the lock despite the intense shaking in his hands and once the door is finally open, Goro practically flies in, seconds short of completely falling to the floor, and slams the door shut.  
  
Once fully inside though, he does fall onto the hardwood, knees first, immediately holding his own arms tightly to his chest with his hands on his face, in some hope of calming down. Goro can’t control the fast, labored breaths that fall out of from his mouth over and over, much less the tightening feeling in his chest and stomach. He is anchored to the floor, consumed by the beginning of another full-blown panic attack.  
  
Goro’s day at the station had been fairly normal until hearing a conversation in passing from two officers. The two men were discussing a child abuse case being handled by one of the officers and another lead detective. Typically, Goro tries to mind his own business but hearing about this small boy and the passing mention of what he was going through dug up everything that Goro had sought to bury after Shido finally admitted to brainwashing Goro all those years ago, forcing him to do his dirty work.  
  
While panic attacks weren’t new for Goro, it had been at least a month since the last one like this and Goro also didn’t have a great way to cope with them. To the dismay of the people in his life who cared about him, after he was released from rehab, he seldom visited his therapist, Goro felt like he was in control, enough to handle things by himself.  
  
Goro’s mind flickers back and forth between the different ways he could attempt to calm down and stop the growing hole in his chest from swallowing him whole.  
  
He attempts to slow his breathing to no avail, again and again the images of the last panic attack flood his mind. The way he felt, how he felt when it was over, and notably, the way he calmed down last time.  
  
The images of blood running down his thighs begin to flash in his mind. His heart rate and breathing just speed up even more, it’s unbearable. He is so desperate and he knows what will make it stop now, what will work for sure.  
  
Goro pries himself off of the ground and while clenching his chest, he wobbles to the bathroom attached to his room.  
  
Once in the bathroom, Goro sits on the floor next to the sink and pulls open the second drawer, digging around in the back of the drawer to find what he was looking for. After flinging the other items in the drawer to the side, he finds it: a small travel bag that Goro has stored a couple of blades and some small first aid essentials in.  
  
His hands are still shaking as he sets the bag on the floor and unzips it, revealing all of the things he tries to keep hidden from the world, from his friends.  
  
Blood dripping down the thighs in his head becomes all that he can see and the feeling in his chest just gets tighter and tighter until…  
  
Almost immediately, Goro’s breathing slows down and his heart starts to slow to more normal pace. He didn’t even know he was crying until the tears begin to fall onto his exposed legs. His hand shakes while holding the blade and all that is left behind are four new wounds on his upper thigh, surrounded by the scars from past times this same situation has played out.  
  
He watches, mesmerized, as small droplets of blood being to build at the surface of the cuts and drip down his thigh, to the underside of his leg. He runs a finger through the drips and feels even more calm. This truly is his only solace at times like this.  
  
“Goro?” he hears from behind him, the world suddenly crashing down around him in pieces as he realizes what happened.  
  
After the panic attack, Goro had completely forgotten tonight’s plan for Akira to stay at his apartment with him after his late shift at Rafflesia, the first night the two would spend together since they made their relationship official. Now, Akira was standing behind him, in the bathroom, watching the aftermath of Goro falling apart and attempting to tape his own pieces back together.  
  
Goro can’t respond, he’s too shocked at the situation but he notices Akira getting closer to him, crouching down beside him. Goro braces for the worst, goes over the possibilities in his head. Akira leaves, Akira yells, Akira hates me, every bad situation lives in his mind on repeat.  
  
The tears are coming down his cheeks in warm streams now, falling onto his legs and onto the bathroom floor, he reaches up with his hands to cup his own face.  
  
Goro flinches at the hands that softly grab his arms to pull them away from his face, Akira is kneeling in front of him, trying to look at Goro.  
  
“Hey, Goro, let me help you clean up, okay? We can talk about this afterwards. I’m not mad at you, just let me help.” Despite his gentle words, Goro just can’t believe him, he simply goes along with Akira in hopes to end this fast. This part of his life has remained hidden for so long that he has no idea what will happen now, he’s let someone so close to him see him like that.  
  
Akira picks up the blade from the ground and sets it on the bathroom counter along the bag that Goro had retrieved it from. Akira opens the cabinet below the sink to grab a small washcloth and he wets it in lukewarm water from the tap, squeezing out the excess so the cloth is only slightly damp. He crouches back down next to Goro who is still locked in the same position as earlier, just watching Akira’s movements, the two meet eyes once Akira crouches in front of him.  
  
“May I touch you Goro, on your thighs, I just want to clean up the blood a bit. Is that okay?”  
  
Tears continue to fall slowly from his eyes but Goro manages to nod at Akira.  
  
Akira reaches out with the cloth in his hand and taps lightly at Goro’s new wounds, dabbing off the blood gently. Once the blood is cleaned off, Akira reaches out for Goro’s hand. Goro stares back at him but gives his hand to Akira. He watches as Akira wraps the cloth around his finger to remove the blood from when he swiped his finger through his own blood.  
  
Akira stands up and tosses the dirtied cloth into the sink before digging through the bag from earlier, removing a tube of healing ointment and a bandage to cover the cuts.  
  
Goro looks away quickly when he meets Akira’s eyes. He’s starting to fully grasp the situation and how bad he screwed their night up. Their first night alone together and he ruined it because he doesn’t know how to handle problems like a normal person. Now his boyfriend is stuck cleaning him up in the bathroom of his apartment. Who would have known the first time Akira would see Goro without pants on would be like this? All of these thoughts just add to the weight on Goro’s mind and he can’t help but softly whimper as he cries.  
  
“Goro” Akira says firmly which causes him to look up through puffy red eyes. “I’m going to take care of you, if you want to talk that’s up to you.”  
  
Before Goro responds, he feels Akira lean down and pick Goro up off the floor, setting him onto the counter next to the sink. Akira uses his finger to lightly cover Goro’s wounds in the ointment and he covers the area right after with a bandage.  
  
“Where would you like to go, Goro?” Akira asks him.  
  
“Can we sit the bed?” Goro says softly, voice slightly raw from sobbing.  
  
Akira hums his approval and gently lifts Goro again, carrying him to the bed and setting him down in a sitting position with his legs on the floor next to the bed. Akira kneels in front of Goro and undoes his shoes and untwists the dress pants from around his ankles that Goro had pushed out of the way. The whole time, Goro watches the ground in front of him, thinking about all of the things Akira might say to him, or more importantly, what he should say to Akira.  
  
Akira leaves the room to return to the entrance of the apartment with Goro’s shoes, leaving them near the door before removing his own shoes and bringing his bag into Goro’s room. Goro watches him dig through his bag and pull out a familiar piece of clothing.  
  
Goro begins to remember, he had asked Akira to bring him one of his shirts to sleep in. He made this request of Akira while feeling rather flirty one late night at LeBlanc, something in exchange for the glove he gave to Akira when they were still just rivals.  
  
“Would you still like to sleep in this tonight?” Akira asks, tossing the rolled-up shirt onto the foot of the bed next to Goro.  
  
“May I?” Goro responds with a very small voice, full of guilt. Why did Akira have to find him like that?  
  
“Anytime, you asked for it and I brought it for you Goro.” Akira watches Goro as he unbuttons the shirt he wore to work and replaces it with the t-shirt that hangs loosely on his shoulders.  
  
“Would you like some pants or will you sleep like that?” Akira asks in Goro’s direction while he begins to remove his own work clothes in exchange for more comfortable sleeping clothes.  
  
“I’m okay, thank you.” Goro responds quickly to Akira. He looks up towards Akira and notices that he’s put on a t-shirt that matches the design of the one he gave Goro other than the color. Cute… too bad I ruined this; he thinks to himself. Akira has also opted to sleep in his boxers. Watching Akira walk over to the bed makes Goro feel slightly overwhelmed and extremely guilty again. He can’t stop it when another whimper of pain falls from his mouth, following the tears trailing down his cheeks.  
  
Akira must have noticed the small noise Goro makes and he ensures him, “Goro, please, I promise I’m not mad at you, or upset, we can still have a nice night. You can talk to me, we can just sit here and do nothing too, it’s one hundred percent up to you.” Akira sighs softly, “Would you like to talk to me about it?”  
  
The tears falling from Goro’s eyes slow down and he wipes away the wetness. He shakes his head slightly and takes a deep breath before explaining his situation to Akira. “It’s been like this ever since Shido had his change of heart. I woke up that next day and I didn’t remember anything from the past years until months later. I wasn’t me during those years, he tricked me into working for him, tricked me into doing everything he needed. I did all of those horrible things without even knowing. Waking up for the first time after all that time is crushing. I feel like things have gotten better but I just can’t shake these panic attacks some nights, I don’t even know why they happen, sometimes it’s such mundane things that set me so far over the edge.” Goro takes a deep breath and looks at Akira who is listening intently, he looks like he understands and that look alone helps to comfort Goro a little more.  
  
“It’s not good, nor is it what I want to be doing but I found over the years that I’ve been free from Shido that the only way to stop the crushing panic was…” He pauses and looks to Akira who nods his head for Goro to continue talking when he’s ready. “to hurt myself. It just feels so much better. I’ve tried breathing exercises, lying down, anything, but this is the only way to get immediate results. I went to therapy after they found out that Shido had been using me but it seemed like the anxiety just got worse despite all that work I did in rehab, I don’t feel like trying anymore.”  
  
The pause waiting for Akira to answer him is deafening and he tries to hold in his tears while the anxiety is just building and building until he’s ready to snap at Akira.  
Before Goro can open his mouth to speak, Akira responds, “Goro, I’m always here for you and I know you’ve gone through a lot. I worry about your safety and I just want to help you in whatever way I can.” Akira sits behind Goro and reaches from behind him to grab his hand.  
  
Goro responds by turning his body around on the bed to look at Akira, giving his hand back to him as well.  
  
“It doesn’t help that I tried to kill you as well, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that.” Goro sighs.  
  
“It wasn’t your fault Goro, you weren’t even the one doing that, you aren’t Shido and you never will be anything like him. You are everything I’ve wanted in a companion and the person Shido made you into while controlling you wasn’t the Goro I know, not even close. That doesn’t define you to me or to anyone who actually knows you.” Akira sighs and his eyes trail down to focus on the sheets, “I know it’s hard to get better too and to get past the desperation for instant relief as well.” Goro watches as Akira moves his free hand to his leg, pulling up the fabric of his boxers enough to reveal his outer thighs littered with jagged looking scar tissue, almost exactly the same as Goro’s.  
  
Goro is completely thrown off, he would have never imagined that Akira, of all people, the confident, calm, leader of the Phantom Thieves has ever felt the same. Goro has genuinely felt alone in the world for years. His eyes meet Akira’s and he looks back down at his own thigh now covered by the bandage Akira put on for him.  
  
“I’d like to do better; I’ve just been so scared that I’ll lose this one thing I have a grasp on. I want to stop but the feeling of release is almost addicting. I feel sick every time afterwards but I’m too weak to even want to stop.”  
  
“Goro, it’s okay to be afraid, you aren’t as weak as you make yourself out to be.” Akira squeezes Goro’s hand and smiles at him, “Don’t feel pressured to make any promises to me, okay? You need to be ready. I’ll always be here as well with anything you need. I’ll come by to clean you up, I’ll come talk to you, I’d do anything that you ever needed.” Akira leans forward slightly for a hug and Goro meets him, wrapping his arms tightly around Akira’s back and reveling in the feeling of his boyfriend’s embrace.  
  
“It’s been a tough night already; how about we just lay down and watch a movie?” Akira asks to Goro.  
  
Goro nods his head and starts to get up from the bed before Akira stops him. “I’m your guest, let me take care of things.” Akira says with a chuckle.  
  
Akira retrieves the tv remote from the stand that the tv is on and he brings it back to the bed before making his way into the bathroom. Goro watches as he closes the door and shortly after he listens to the sink run. He doesn’t know yet, but tomorrow, Goro will find that Akira had returned the bag and its contents to the drawer Goro had retrieved it from and reorganized the other items he threw onto the floor while searching for it.  
  
While waiting for Akira to return, Goro turns on the tv and finds something interesting and lighthearted for the two to watch while they relax for the night.  
Akira shuts off the faucet and opens the door, smiling when Goro looks over to him.  
  
“Could I get you something to eat Goro? I brought some curry that I made before I came over for us to eat. Is that alright?”  
  
“That would be perfect, thank you Akira” Goro responds happily to his boyfriend who wanders off into the kitchen. The sound of plates clinking onto the counter precede Akira’s return to the bedroom.  
  
He hands Goro a small plate with the rice and curry and he sits down next to Goro, leaning against the headboard.  
  
The two eat in silence while watching the television and Akira cleans up the plates when they finish.  
  
At some point they both lay down completely with Goro inching closer and closer to Akira’s body under the covers. He nearly jumps when Akira offers, “would you like me to hold you, Goro?”  
  
“Please” Goro responds, trying to hide his blushed face against Akira’s chest.  
  
He takes a deep inhale of the fabric of Akira’s shirt, the smell of coffee and curry and a hint of the flowers from his day at work gives Goro immense comfort. “Thank you, Akira, you make me feel hopeful for the future and I just want to let you know I love you.”  
  
“I love you too Goro. I’m hoping we can be hopeful for a long while together.”  
  
Akira’s scent along with the rise and fall of his chest and the light pattern he traces with his fingers in Goro’s hair sends him to sleep within minutes.  
  
Tomorrow, he can worry about scheduling another appointment with his therapist, tomorrow he can worry about work, but right now all he needs is Akira, the criminal he was destined to kill years ago, the one person he never thought would forgive him. Akira has exceeded everything Goro expected from life since he was a child and he wouldn’t trade their meeting for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been living in my brain for months now and I finally found the time to write it out. I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think :)
> 
> My twitter is @akechisteponme if anyone's interested


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